I feel like I use this blog more for a way to vent after making mistakes than anything else. I certainly don't brag on myself enough, but that's okay. (For the record, I have been playing great lately and have been cashing & getting deep in tournaments consistently over the last month or so.) I'm a perfectionist by nature, so while I feel great after making good decisions, in the back of my head I kind of expect it. And when I make a mistake, I tend to dwell on it.
Now, let me say I have made MASSIVE strides as years have gone by regarding this. I used to beat myself up over making little mistakes and it used to cripple my performance in sports. I would over think things, causing me to freeze up and as a result I used to punch lockers after I would lose. That was high school. Of course I'm an adult now and have matured quite a bit since then, but there is still a voice in the back of my head that is always critiquing me.
Playing poker over the last 6 years has helped me calm this voice, but it is always there. I started out playing like a nit, always seeing monsters under the bed and nitting it up because I was afraid of making a mistake. After a few years, I swung the pendulum the other way making elaborate bluffs and hero calls just to prove to myself that I wasn't afraid. Over the last year or so, I've controlled the pendulum and I feel have struck a good balance between being nitty and spewy. I have placed a high emphasis and recognizing hand ranges, removing emotions and making the most +EV decisions.
Every once in a while, however, that constant ongoing voice escapes from it's cell and starts whispering in my ear. What it mostly tells me is "stop playing like a nit and start stealing with trash more" or "if you want to win more tournaments you have to get more aggressive 'like those top internet players'". While this voice is sometimes right, it's extremely one sided. It's only a voice because it represents the opposite of my old nitty tendencies when I first got started playing poker. The reality is that my game is based on so many other factors including the other players, stack sizes, my image, etc. Good poker doesn't mean being spewy aggro all the time. Trust me, I open up my game when it makes sense and while there might be spots that I might pass up, I have been doing a really good job lately at pulling the trigger when my gut says to. But I guess for some reason, I still have something to prove to myself and the voice came back on Sunday.
To give a quick synopsis, I was playing great and made a comeback to be one of the chip leaders. I had built up my stack and then started running into situations where when I opened up my game, I got tons of action and I had to fold. I was down to 9bb and was able to build it back up to almost 40bb (which for this tournament's structure is great).
Now there is 12 left, we are 6 handed and I have about $140K at 4k/8k + 1k. Average stack is $80K. I raise with JTos to 21K and the BB who recently got moved to the table, who I have NO reads on asks how much it is, thinks about folding, then calls. BB has $106K.
Flop is QT9 with 2 diamonds (I have no diamonds). $52K in the pot and he leads into me for $30K leaving himself $55K behind. Without really thinking about what he has (although I assume some sort of Q), I jam. Now that I'm thinking about it after the fact and realizing stack sizes and thinking about WHAT HAND DOES HE HAVE, I have to fold this. I can't just say "he probably has a Q and I have outs). The reality is that he has a Q that either crushes me or has my outs. Q9, QT, QJ, KQ all suck for me. I have zero fold equity and at BEST I have 9 outs. I can easily fold this hand and still have a good stack, yet I freaked and said "OMG I have a pair and a draw, I can't fold at this stage of the tournament".
So the voice made me not think through the hand and I forced a play that didn't make sense because "I'm supposed to be aggressive now." Where emotion clouded my thinking started when he defended his bb. Instead of putting him on a range, I just got pissed a little because I just wanted to steal the blinds and I had been playing tight, slowly losing my big stack because of antes. This was the first time I opened up a bit and of course now I get called. I took it personally I guess because I must have felt the poker gods were punishing me for being aggressive. (lol @ poker gods...no such thing...it's all uncontrollable variance and the human mind's desire to find patterns in things where there are no patterns...but that's another topic.) Now when he leads into me, I get even more pissed because I'm stuck in a tough spot and I guess I felt offended that he led into me. Another lol, because while I had no reads I know this guy only plays his cards so he is telling me face up that he has a good hand and that I have no fold equity. So if he is betting HIS hand, his bet is not a personal attack...and it's NOT a personal attack from the "poker gods".
Anyway, it's strange that after playing 7 hours of great poker that this crept up. I think because we were at the final table and essentially the money bubble, I was putting pressure on myself to be "like those aggro top internet players". This pressure led to emotions and the emotions led to the spew. The reality is that the best players hand read and make situational decisions. Sometimes aggression makes sense and sometimes you have to make great laydowns. Sometimes it makes sense to be super aggro on the bubble and sometimes you have to pick your spots carefully. Also, it's pretty silly and -EV to compare myself to anyone or make plays that I think others would make. Every single situation is different and has different factors that influence them. My hand is going to be different than other hands and as long as I am confident in my decision that's all that matters.
So moving forward I am going to stay confident in my game and when I feel like emotion or pressure I'm putting on myself or "the voice" is getting louder, I will take a step back and take time to think through the situation logically and make the play that is correct for that specific situation.
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