This was a post from my old Pokermentor's blog from September 2006. I felt it was important to post here in order to give some perspective on why I'm playing poker and why I love the game so much.
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Okay, this is kind of a stream of consciousness post, so bear with me.
Something interesting occurred the other day. I was invited to attend a WSOP Circuit event by a friend who is planning on playing the $1,000 tournament on Saturday, Sept. 30th. He asked if I wanted to play in that event. Well, my bankroll is around $8,000 so I told him that playing in that event would be outside of my bankroll, but I would probably play in the smaller satellites and SNGs.
Well, this friend actually writes articles for Bluff Magazine in a column called "The Amateur’s Mind" and my response about not having the bankroll prompted him to write an article called "Tournament Bankroll Fallacies". This article, which will actually be running in the November issue, talked about the author, myself, and another friend who all approach tournament entry fees in a different way.
To make a long story short, my comment about having the money but not the bankroll to play bothered him because I wasn't taking into account the experience and confidence that I would gain by playing in a larger buy-in event. I also was not taking into account the fun and overall life experience that is had by playing in these types of events.
Now both of us do not play poker for a living, or really a true income per se, but our approaches to managing a bankroll are much different. BUT, his article and subsequent emails that we exchanged really got me thinking. WHY AM I PLAYING POKER?
At one point I felt that I wanted to use poker as a way to make some side money for our family to ensure we were meeting our bills, pay off some debt, etc. Oh, and maybe one day if I made enough, I could officially play part time while teaching and coaching for a living (I am not a teacher, but I've always wanted to). Well after our third child was born, my frequency of play has been reduced to about 3 days a week and I also haven't been playing in as many big tournaments. After staying up until 2 or 3am, my productivity at work was really going to crap. I started feeling guilty about this, so I've been sticking with smaller tournaments that I know shouldn't go past around 12am or so. And even on the weekends, the kids are waking up around 7am and my lack of sleep was really causing me to be short-tempered with them.
So as a result, I haven't been able to put myself in a position to make as much money as I once was. I'm playing in tournaments with smaller fields and now, even if I final table, I'm only making a few hundred dollars. Now, I'm not complaining about "only" making a few hundred, BUT for me to make any side income that is significant enough to make a difference, I'll have to stick with grinding things out over a long period of time.
SO...that got me re-evaluating why I play. I make enough at in my career to support my family, so why am I so worried about this regular side income? For me to achieve this long-term dream of teaching/coaching and playing poker for a living, I would have to commit a significant amount of time to playing poker. More time than I have to give really. Do I really care about grinding out a couple hundred a month and following strict bankroll management rules?
Meh, in a way I do and in a way I don't. I play poker because I LOVE the game. I love the blend of psychology, math and competition. I love how it's helped me learn how to achieve a calmer, more focused state of mind when approaching different aspects of life. I love the fact that I have something that continuously challenges me and that pushes me to become the best. When I stopped wrestling competitively in college, there was a void missing in my life. I no longer had something that I could pour my heart and soul in that related to my own personal achievement. With poker, I have this and I want to push myself to become one of the best. I want to break down my own personal barriers of self-doubt and I want to see how far I can take this thing. I think this love for competition is why I like tournament poker over the other forms. So really my ultimate goals are related to winning significant tournaments (whether this is the nightly $55K guaranteed on Stars or a WSOP bracelet). All efforts that I put into poker should now be focused on achieving these goals.
So am I playing poker because of the money? Only from the sense that money is the measurement for success. Money is how you keep score. And while the monetary/income oriented role that money plays is obviously a nice byproduct; it is NOT why I am playing.
Wow, okay...there's the breakthrough. There's the self-realization that I was hoping would come from this blog entry. If you've made it this far, thanks for listening. If you haven't, then I'm talking to myself and that's okay too.
So, what next? What about bankroll managment? I've always called myself a bankroll nerd because I never really took a shot at playing tournaments that might be outside of my roll. I mean I had $8K and it still made me nervous to play $100sngs.
Now I'm not saying that I'm going to start playing the daily $100 rebuy on Stars and every Sunday tournament. But, what I am going to change is my feeling about losing money. Since my goal is not to generate income (again, I'm looking at this as a nice byproduct), if there is a tournament that I really want to play in I'm going to be more likely to take a shot at it for the challenge and the reward of a big payday. The whole thing about playing within your bankroll is that if you REGULARLY play at a certain level and hit a downswing in variance, it can put you in a position to go bust. I do not plan on regularly playing outside of my bankroll. For the most part, I will still play within my bankroll. But I think the difference is that now, especially because the frequency in which I am able to play has been reduced, I am not going to shy away from tournaments that will put me in a position to make a nice payday. And even more importantly, I will play in tournaments that challenge me and are in line with my competitive goals of being one of the best. I also think this new attitude will help me become a better player because I am detaching myself from the monetary aspect of money. I won't be worried about losing a certain amount of money. Instead, I will be looking at the opportunity to make a certain amount.
Good luck at the tables...unless you're at mine :-)
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